P.O. Box 64228, Sherwood Park, AB T8B 0A5, Canada. Tel: 780-496-9691; 1-877-496-9691; Fax:780-570-3846
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Have A Laff With Us

If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well Sir, that depends on a lot of things.
Customer: Can't u give an approx. price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is our introductory special @ $12/gal. After that we have dozens of different prices up to $199.
Customer: What's the difference in the quality of the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there's no difference. It's all exactly the same stuff.
Customer: Well in that case I'll take ur $12 paint.
Clerk: Well actually the $12 variety is only available on our website. If U want to buy it here in store u'll be charged an additional $20 Customer Convenience Fee.
Customer: So if I go home & get it off the website, its only $12?
Clerk: That;s correct Sir, plus a Credit Card Usage Fee of $6, & there's a standard Shipping & Handling of $15.
Customer: What? So in other words buying online would cost me almost exactly the same as what I'd have to pay here in the store?
Clerk: I suppose so but if U buy it here U get to use it immediately. Online purchases take 10 business days to get to U, unless U pay the optional $25 Express My Paint Fee.
Customer: U`ve got to be kidding me!
Clerk: Well no Sir, but it`s academic interest anyway, as right now the $12 is completely sold out in both places.
Customer: That`s BS! I am looking at shelves full of the stuff!
Clerk: Ah, but that doesn`t mean it`s available for sale. We sell only a certain number of introductory priced cans on any given day. Oops, look at that! It just become available again - " $17.50
Customer: C`mon! You mean to say it went up while I`m standing here?!
Clerk: 'Fraid so. Inventory Control changes our prices all the time. I strongly recommend U purchase your paint ASAP as it may go up again. How many gallons do U want?
Customer: Well maybe 3 gallons. No make that 4, I don't want to run out. I assume i can return anything I don't open?
Clerk: Certainly Sir. The $12 paint is non-refundable, but if U return it within 48hrs, you will be entitled to a $5 credit towards the future purchase of another gallon of the same color at the same or higher price.
Customer: That's crazy. In that case I'll just give any unopened cans to my brother who is going to be repainting his home soon!
Clerk: Sorry Sir, no-can-do! Our terms and CANditions – that's a little in-house joke – prohibit paint transfer. It's strictly for the use of the original purchaser.
Customer: But wait a minute, I hadn't spotted those "Paint Sale - $9.99* a can" signs over there? That sounds like a much better deal.
Clerk: Ah yes, that's from our low cost paint division. The asterisk denotes that the cans are actually half gallons and the price is based on a minimum purchase of 2. There is also an additional Environmental Fee of $5/can, a non-refundable Can Deposit of $3.50, a Paint Facility Charge of $5 & if U want more than 1 color, the 2nd has a $25 surcharge and the 3rd is %50 extra.
Customer: This is utterly ridiculous. To hell with this! I will buy what I need elsewhere!
Clerk: Well Sir, You may be able to buy paint for some rooms from another store, but you won't be able to find paint for your connecting hall and stairway anywhere else! And I should also point out that if you want Uni-Directional paint, it is priced at $249 per gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive pint was $199?
Clerk: That's only if you paint non-stop all the way around to the room and back to the point at which you started. Stairways and hallways are considered one-way exceptions to the rule.
Customer: So if I buy the $199 paint and use it in my hallway, what are you going to do about it – send some goons in to paint it over?
Clerk: Wow! I believe we are getting the picture now sir. But no, please,. That would be plain silly. We'll simply charge you a Directional Adjustment Fee plus the difference to $249 on your next purchase.
Customer: Next purchase? Get real! There's gotta be a more reasonable place to shop!
Clerk: At Skyhigh Paints, we never forget you have a choice...which is to say, you are very unlikely to get better or lower pricing at the other large paint shops...so thanks for shopping with us and have a nice day!

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